Moms Worry

Tomorrow is the day! The day I get to see my newest little girl. We are scheduled for a c-section (yes, all of mine have been c-sections and I'm good with that ... a different post for a different day), and in if I were to confess, I'm looking forward to my hospital stay. 

My body is tired after carrying this little one around for 9 months along with the other 3 rowdy cute kids who reside in our home. They have been so excited (well, the girls are anyway) for the newest addition, but that doesn't keep them from dirtying dishes or asking me to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner, or jumping through mud puddles, etc.

Right now I'm looking forward to someone bringing me breakfast, lunch and dinner and the quiet time I will have (you know, between the nurse/doctor visits and friends and family visits that I totally love! and the nighttime feedings) to bond with this new little one. 

At the same time, I worry. I worry about my three other babes. What if someone can't find their shoes in the morning before school? What if they forget their lunch boxes or their homework? What if they wake up in the middle of the night and forget that mom isn't there to snuggle them for a couple of days? What if their toast gets cut into squares instead of triangles?

Don't get me wrong... my mother is going to be here to help take care of them and she did an amazing job of taking care of me! But moms worry. We want everyone to be happy. We want everything to be just right for our kiddos. And let's face it, there are some things that only moms do ... like put notes in their lunchboxes ... read scripture stories during breakfast time ... warm their blankets just before bed time so they are comfy cozy and don't want to get up. 

Yes, they will all be living. No, they won't go to school in dirty clothes. No, they won't starve or freeze at night. But I will miss being there for all of the little things. And I will worry. But just a little. Because it will all start back over when I return!

The Monday Turn Around

Today started out just plain bad. I was having "mommy guilt" to the max! Like, I couldn't even get my act together before noon (stupid pregnancy hormones!). 

But then, something happened. I was able to let go a little.

Lucie and I trekked to the store where she picked out everything her little heart could possibly want. And when mommy said "no, not today," she simply put it back and said "ok, next time we can get it."

Then back at home, I was making some bread to go with dinner. Usually I'm in a rush to get this done and prepped before the big kids get home. But my little helper wanted in on the action. I took her little hands in mine and together, we kneaded the dough. 

After we picked the older two up from the bus, they begged to ride bikes. After almost 2 weeks of rain and overall yucky weather, it was easy to say "yes". So up and down the road we went; Me giving Maecie a nudge here and there, while trying to keep up with Clayton and making sure Lucie didn't get left behind. 

We sat at the dinner table where no one told me the food was yucky. There may have been things on their plate that they didn't eat, but they didn't complain either. And while we ate, we talked about school and our favorite things we did today.

We played outside for a little longer and then came back in to have Family Home Evening. (every Monday, we try to set aside time to spend together as a family. We have a short lesson centered on the scriptures and teachings of Jesus Christ, then maybe a treat and activity.) We made rice crispy treats and while they were cooling, learned how Adam and Eve practiced their agency, or ability to make choices. We talked about the different choices we make at school and with our friends. And while they colored some pictures about the creation of the Earth, I passed out rice crispy treats.

They may have gone to bed a little later than normal.

The house may not be as tidy as it was before school let out.

Daddy may still be at work, meaning I had to put them to bed all by myself (my least favorite part of the day!).

But we made memories. And my "mommy guilt" is gone, at least for today.

Grumpy Beare Confessions

To say I have taken a break from blogging would be an understatement. Life has just been busy and finding time to sit in front of the computer has been more than I can focus on. 

However, as I was writing in my journal tonight (I've tried to continue that at least), I felt the need to share my feelings publicly. It took me a few minutes to remember how to log into my blog account, but I finally did it. And here goes..

My confession: I have been pretty grumpy!

Of course, I can blame some of my grumpiness on your basic pregnancy hormones. Or the fact that it's so hot and humid outside no one wants to play. Or the fact that my husband has worked CrAzY hours this summer so that I feel like a single mom. Or that I haven't been as diligent on my scripture study and prayers since pregnancy got in the way.

Or we can just combine them all together because it's all true.

But Sunday was a good day. Well, most of it was...

At church, I felt like a few people went out of their way to stop and talk to me. I am often away from my normal church family and traveling to other churches throughout the year. This can cause me to feel like a fish out of water on Sundays when I am at "home" since I don't see the other members as often. To have 3 or 4 people stop and talk to me and ask questions about me and my family made me feel special, missed, and loved.

Then I went to Relief Society (the women's class at church) and the lesson was on an incredible talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf titled "The Gift of Grace". The lesson and talk reminded me that the gift of our Savior's Atonement isn't just for forgiveness of our sins. But it is there to comfort, to allow blessings to be poured out, and to feel our Heavenly Father's love. It's is there to lift us up - to "unlock the gates of heaven and open the windows of heaven."

I left the class feeling uplifted and renewed! My heart needed those words to realize that it's ok. That I have the opportunity to turn to my Heavenly Father for love and comfort when I'm feeling grumpy.

And then I went home ... where the children whined and I burnt the grilled cheese. 

I am so grateful for tomorrows. For being able to start again. For having the Savior's atonement work for me. When I can't do it all, He is there to make up the difference. 

I know that I can do hard things. I know that someone else's "hard thing" might be harder than my "hard thing", but that as long as I am learning from my personal journey, I am moving upward. 

School started today for my oldest. And my second will be starting school on Thursday. Today brought changes and routine and I know that is what my heart, my mind, and my body needed. Tomorrow, I will work towards being even better than today.